Forums Stories (drama) A-s-ignment

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    With gratitude to God for giving me
    the uncommon wisdom of blocking my
    parents, nosy aunties and religious
    siblings on whatsapp.
    As far as they are concerned, I’ll
    always be their last born or baby
    brother that is pure and untainted and
    God forbid I know anything like a-s,
    condoms and the unholiest of them all
    God will continue to bless their
    naivety (Ameen).
    So if you’re reading this, I don’t
    consider you holy and we will burn in
    hell together ( just kidding).
    Brethren, I, like any other curious,
    God-fearing, law-abiding, attention-
    seeking and well meaning Nigerian
    have always wondered why a-s or
    crudely known as nyash is underrated.
    (Idle Mind na Devil workshop true
    “The understanding of a-s(ets) and it’s
    movements and proper gyrations
    which translates to it’s power is the
    beginning of wisdom for any girl” –
    Herbert Macaulay, 2017.
    We will all agree that this is true
    because he left his grave to inform
    everyone that cares to listen about this
    before going back. God bless his
    blessed soul.
    It is safe to say, ladies and gentlemen
    that these remarkable attachments
    have gone a long way in defining or
    redefining our growth and
    achievements as people of this great
    To understand a-s is to understand
    spirituality. How else would you
    explain why one part of the body will
    cause an innocent man to defy the
    laws of physics and biology and turn
    his neck 180 degrees?. If you think I’m
    joking, just go to the market place or
    live in a neighborhood with yoruba
    people (pepper is not their only
    trademark) and you will see miracles
    (TB Joshua is an apprentice).
    That was how one young man, caught
    under the anointing of a-s attempted
    this and his neck remained there
    permanently. He didn’t even realize
    this until his forward movements
    seemed backwards and vice versa.
    Basically he was moon-walking
    forwards. How we solved that problem
    is a story for another day.
    To understand a-s is to understand
    divine wisdom. You think all these
    young boys and married men (oops)
    especially the ones not doing well in
    school have poor memories?? Think
    again. If you’ve ever had the pleasure
    of witnessing greatness in the form of
    men describing a woman’s behind that
    he saw 7 years ago to other men, you
    will understand that Scofield is a
    learner and that the devil is a liar.
    If you’re a girl and you’re reading
    this, calm down before you accept the
    devil in your life and say hurtful
    things like “men are pigs” or “men are
    scum”. While they are hurtful, they are
    as useless as condoms to an impotent
    man. My point is, it won’t change
    Men will look, analyze, carry out lab
    tests even. Sue them!!. God will bless
    you with enough money and female
    lawyers to facilitate your cause
    To understand a-s is to understand
    pure suffering. I know what you’re
    thinking, how can something be so
    beautiful and yet so dangerous?.
    You’ve obviously never heard of
    money before. That was how this
    single astounding booty (pun
    intended) succeeded in wiping out half
    the men in my street and leaving the
    other half to tell the tale. How?, Let
    me explain.
    My street used to be like any
    mechanical engineering department in
    the world, it lacked a-s. And as
    expected, we were living happily but
    we’ve always known something was
    missing, mi(a-s)ing if you will. Keep in
    mind that this incident happened
    before I was born, so praise the Lord.
    Maybe I won’t be here telling this tale
    Angels don’t drive neither do they
    enter public transport. They do what
    they do best. They appear and that
    was how this lady showed up. News of
    this booty spread like butter on bread
    ( somebody that knows my parents
    might read this and truncate my
    hustle, so yes, it’s bread and butter I’ve
    always wanted to say, not anything
    else. I love you mummy!!) and before
    you could say “assignment”, half the
    men were already on their way to the
    scene. The other half heard but they
    were not able to outsmart their wives
    as they promptly locked all the doors
    and they dutifully swallowed the keys
    (God bless those women).
    Boys will be boys, but in this case, men
    will be zombies because nobody had
    the courage to interrupt the a-s by
    asking questions like “who are you?”
    And “what are you doing here?”.The
    sensible ones were at home with their
    wives, loathing her asslessness. When
    you hear cases of women “locking”
    their husbands down or up as the case
    may be. This is what they meant.
    Anyway, they just followed her until….
    well, I don’t know what later
    happened, as I have pointed out
    earlier, I wasn’t born yet. The narrator
    (the only man with balls) told his wife
    that this was his house and she was
    going to abide by his rules and God
    dammit he was going to leave his
    house and do what real men were
    doing. Long story short, he later
    peeped through the window with his
    first son on the lookout for the real
    owner of the house. Sometimes men
    have to relinquish control for the
    society to prosper (life is mysterious
    like that).
    Nobody saw or heard from them after
    that assident, sorry accident. The
    remaining people left the street for
    fear that the a-s might return. I know
    a lot of people will not believe this
    story. They will let the devil use them
    and say fallacious things like “this
    story didn’t happen” but let me ask
    you, have you ever heard of a street
    called hskvdgu before? ( the “v” is
    silent). I didn’t think so.
    Enough said. If I tell you everything
    now, what will I tell my coworkers
    when I’m trying to sound wise and
    insightful. Imagine how I’ll feel when
    they come to me for wisdom and I
    happily narrate this story and they go
    “we’ve already heard this somewhere,
    tell us something else”. Then I’ll
    hesitate and one of them with eyes
    that words cannot describe will say
    something like “he doesn’t even know
    anything sef”. Blood will spill that day.
    Most likely mine but blood is still
    I believe with all these points, I’ve
    been able to convince you that the
    importance of booty is key to the
    development of any society and its
    power, if properly harnessed, will
    create world peace, solve world hunger
    and eradicate our energy problems
    once and for all. In order words, any
    part of the body is important, but a-s
    is importanter.

    #1297888 Reply
    Nontex Dick
    Nontex Dick
    • "Posts & Comments"4920
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    Experience On

    A lot of boots expression, you must have gathered a lot of experience on a-s. You have spoken everything you know about a-s and it’s movement, it’s not easy…you tried.

    #1297901 Reply
    • "Posts & Comments"5243
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    Dear writer, please desist from cheap weeds, it’s not good for ur thinking faculty.
    You too see wetin u dey do 4 our mind in dis holy afternoon

    #1297934 Reply
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    Just passing

    #1298083 Reply
    • "Posts & Comments"48
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    #1298158 Reply
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