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    Bam's CribBam’s Crib
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    Written by Ayomikun Bam

    The hall was filled with anxious, nervous and exciting audience awaiting the show to begin. On the table sat Daddy Taaooma who was busy with his phone. Daddy Tobi, eating the biscuit on the table. Mummy Tobi, her left arm on the table while she caressed her hair with the other hand and mummy Taaooma.

    Lawyer kunle ➡ (Smiling. Showing his teeth as he waves at the audience.)

    Daddy Taaooma ➡ (Squeezes his face) Ehn ehn, what’s wrong with this one? Is that what you were called here for? C’mon, come off it!

    (Audience laughs)

    Lawyer Kunle ➡ (Murmurs. Straighten the paper) Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Big brother Introduction show. (Removes his gaze from the paper) This is not the show o, this is the introduction. The housemates will introduce (Interrupted by Daddy Tobi)

    Daddy Tobi ➡ Ta lo bere ejo ofo lenu e. Who ask you all this rubbish talk? Read what’s there and let’s know the koko (Hisses)

    Mummy Tobi ➡ In fact, just go straight to the point.

    Mummy Taaooma ➡ (Murmurs) Pointer

    Mummy Tobi ➡ I heard that.

    Lawyer Kunle ➡ Toh. The first contestant tonight to introduce is no one else but (Looks at the paper) Tuwasi Eremi Abraham (Mispronounce the name)

    (Audience laughs and claps)

    Mummy Tobi ➡ Twyse Ereme Abraham. (Corrects him but he still pronounced it wrong)

    Twyse ➡ (He came out smiling. He collected the mike and introduced himself calmly.) Good evening ladies and gentlemen, as you all know, my name is Ereme Abraham popularly known by my stage name, Twyse. I’m a graduate and a comedian. I (Interrupted by Lawyer Kunle)

    Lawyer Kunle ➡ Where do you hail from?

    Twyse ➡ I hail from Edo state, Nigeria.

    Lawyer Kunle ➡ What are your biography?

    (Crowd murmurs and laughs)

    Daddy Taaooma ➡ Excuse me? Is that written there?

    Lawyer Kunle ➡ No sir o, I thought I, no, we should get to know him better

    Mummy Taaooma ➡ Betterment ni. Wos if i slap you ehn, your brain will reset.

    Mummy Tobi ➡ E de rora (You guys should take it easy)

    Mummy Taaooma ➡ Random (Eye her) That’s why you went to bring this one here (Points at Lawyer kunle)

    Daddy Taaooma ➡ E de disappoint mi sha (And you guys disappointed me)

    Twyse ➡ (Tired of standing) Can I seat please?

    Daddy Tobi ➡ Seat jere omo gidi

    Lawyer Kunle ➡ (Clears throat) The next contestant is Samuel Perry a.k.a. Bro… (Brother shaggi interrupts as he ran out and snatched the mic from his hand)

    (Audience shouts and claps filled the air)

    Lawyer Kunle ➡ (Awed as he wasn’t expecting it. He stretches his five fingers at him)

    Brother Shaggi ➡ (Shouts) Hello!

    Audience ➡ How are you!

    Brother Shaggi ➡ (Excited. Waving his top in the air) Any question of the day?

    Audience ➡ Hit meeeeee!

    Daddy Taaooma ➡ (Angry) Hello! Young man! Where do you think you are? Are you alright?

    Mummy Tobi ➡ (Faces Daddy Tobi) I thought you organized this beforehand?

    Daddy Tobi ➡ Walahi that’s the only mistake I made. Oye ki n ti gbe won lo si laboratory kin lo se test fun won(I should have taken them to the laboratory for test) I didn’t know we have pack med people into the show

    Mummy Tobi ➡ (hisses)

    Lawyer Kunle ➡ Where do you hail from?

    Brother Shaggi ➡ (Stares at Lawyer kunle. They both stare at each other for some seconds. Shaggi squeeze his mouth, shines his teeth, lawyer kunle does the same thing)

    Daddy Tobi ➡ What’s happening?

    Brother Shaggi ➡ (Scoffs in a funny manner. Chuckles as he removed his gaze from lawyer kunle who was looking back to check if there was anyone behind him) Excuse me sir, I’m sorry o. (Turns to lawyer kunle) Come again.

    Lawyer Kunle ➡ Go to school, you’ll not go (hiss) Where do you hail from? Nibo lo ti wa, ori gbigbe (Where do you hail from, dry head)

    Brother Shaggi ➡ (Laughs) See this one o. Are you a kid? What am I even saying? Wos wa, every children know me all over the world. Am continental….

    Daddy Tobi ➡ (Eating biscuit) NTA ni

    Daddy Taaooma ➡ What is all this? Look here, shaggi or whatever they call you, I’m a no nonsense man. I don’t condone rubbish! Ask me.

    Mummy Taaooma ➡ Askamaya ni

    Brother Shaggi ➡ I’m sorry sir. I’m just trying to be (Interrupted)

    Daddy Taaooma ➡ Don’t try to be! Be what you want to be.

    Brother Shaggi ➡ (Bow) Okay sir

    Daddy Tobi ➡ (Whistles softly as he eats his biscuit) Carry on

    Brother Shaggi ➡ My name is brother Shaggi, no 1 fine agbero boy, melanin poppin, kanshosibe 1, in..

    Mummy Tobi ➡ Have your seat. (Faces lawyer kunle who by now, was sitting on the floor. Claps her hand) Orisirisi. Call the next person.

    (Lawyer Kunle calls the next person)

    Audience claps.

    Officer Wos ➡ (Smiling as he collects the mic) Goo goo go gooooo goo (Interrupted)

    Daddy Taaooma ➡ Google!

    Daddy Tobi ➡ Nigeria ti sun mi (I’m fed up of Nigeria)

    Mummy Tobi ➡ Have your seat, please.

    Office Wos ➡ B bo bo bo but i never do do do do my

    Mummy Tobi ➡ (Faces Lawyer Kunle) Call the next person.

    Lawyer kunle calls the next person.

    Audience ➡ (Shouts) Freaky freaky! Benefit papa!

    Mr. Macaroni ➡ (Packs his agbada up and reverse, moves forward and pout his lips) Oiin

    Mummy Taaooma ➡ Oyin ni! Shey this place looks like where they’re selling honey?

    Mr. Macaroni ➡ No o, momma. You see, you’re old (Interrupted)

    Daddy Taaooma ➡ (Daddy Taaooma stares at Mummy Taaooma) What what do you mean by she’s old?

    Mr. Macaroni ➡ You see her (Points at Mummy Tobi) She’s new. She’s fresh like pawpaw. That’s the kind of people I (rolls his hand in the air, folding it as if squeezing something) you know (he winks at Mummy Tobi)

    Daddy Tobi ➡ O ti sick. You are mad! Shey (Throws the bottle water on the table at him)

    Mummy Tobi ➡ Daddy Tobi e rora, shebi o ko n admire mi ni (Daddy tobi, take it easy, He’s just admiring me)

    Daddy Tobi ➡ Sorry o, continue your shina, set awon shina peter (faces Mr. Macaroni) And as for you, no intro. Lawyer to di Mc (Lawyer that turns to Mc) call the next person.

    Lawyer kunle ➡ (murmurs some words and hissed)……Adeyela adebola known as lizzy jay or omo ibadan.

    Audience claps and shouts of “Omo Ibadan” filled the air. The noise slowly died down as no one appeared. Lawyer kunle call her name again and no one showed up. The audience were disappointed. The ones standing sat slowly as Lawyer kunle made to call someone else.

    Omo Ibadan ➡ (Runs out folding her laze and at the same time trying to wear her gele properly. Breathing hard) Walahi e ni so ri bu. Ati ita ni mo n ti gbo igbe mi. Olokada ti…(I swear, you’ll not be unfortunate. I’ve been hearing my name from outside. The bike man that…)

    Lawyer kunle ➡ (Places his hands on his head) Ha! Awon omo Ibadan ti wo show

    Mr. Macaroni ➡ (Removes his glass) Ahn ahn… What’s this!? Can’t you speak English?

    Omo Ibadan ➡ (Turns her head slowly) E jo, tani n gbo? Se ati ko aja sinu big brother show ni? (Please who’s barking? Have we pack dog into Big brother show?)

    Mummy Tobi ➡ Please, English only.

    Daddy Taaooma ➡ Bangladesh!

    Omo Ibadan ➡ Eseun joor. Sorry mo mo mean. (Kneels slightly as she ties her wrapper tightly)

    Daddy Tobi ➡ Sha introduce yourself (murmur) Ko to dabi egun

    Mummy Tobi ➡ Ahn ahn, daddy Tobi.

    Omo Ibadan ➡ First of all (interrupted)

    Audience ➡ Introduction!!!

    Omo Ibadan ➡ Das how you pipul fails in the examination. The thing I want to say is not that, i want to intoduction my name fess. Am Lizzy jay aka omo ibadan. I studied in the hazard university of london. Ke si ma wo o (See o) i have a school I lecturer in Ibadan, cosin senta one. Owo ile iwe wa o si won (Our school fees is not high) both sidren and adult can schooling with us. I also.. (Interrupted)

    Daddy Taaooma ➡ Somalia ni. You’re just speaking in the rubbish saying nonsense since

    Daddy Tobi ➡ In fact, biscuit yi ti koro lenu mi (In fact, this biscuit is bitter in my mouth) It has sawa

    Mummy Taaooma ➡ Bathroom ni

    Mummy Tobi ➡ (Corrects daddy Tobi) Sour not sawa

    Daddy Tobi ➡ Whatever

    Daddy Taaooma ➡ Is it not you that know where you pack them from (Hiss)

    They continued exchanging words. Mc called in more contestant. Few hours later, with the crowds roaring in laughter, the judges infuriated and the MC exhausted.

    Mummy Tobi ➡ Congratulations to you all. Welcome to Biggie’s house. Of course, you all know how it rolls in Big brother’s house but I’m sorry to say, it’s a change here. No immoral acts. For the seven days you’ll be using in big brother’s house, there would be a game for each day and the winner rules the day, I mean becomes the HOH for the day and commands the whole day. The games would be your choices, we won’t choose for you. But, on the last day, it’s gonna be a truth or dare. Brother Shaggi, Mr. Macaroni, Bobrisky, Mc lively, Twyse, Omo ibadan, officer wos, charles okocha and maraji, congratulations to you all once again. The journey to Biggie’s house starts once the show ends. Happy Journey and Good luck.


    MORNING 10 A.m.

    Officer Wos ➡ (Thinking. He looks around as if searching for something) Hmm (Takes a deep breath) I just waste my time come this place. If not for the reward wey dey involve, I go don go since. Me wey I bin dey think say I go meet Dorothy for hia (Smiles at the thought of Dorothy. He got down from the bed and moved out. He met Twyse on the way to the sitting room. Whistle to him)

    Twyse ➡ (Stops and look back) Me?

    Officer Wos ➡ N nn n n no o, na your second. Yo you you you you hear me dey call, you still ask who who (Moving close to him)

    Twyse ➡ My name is Twyse.

    Officer Wos ➡ Twice? Ah No no no nono no wonder you dey ah as ask who. You be twin?

    Twyse ➡ No, T W Y S E .

    Omo ibadan ➡ (On phone) Walahi, mi o ri ologi. Inu esitate la wa morili. Mo ti wo kishini gan, awon kini kan baun lo wa ni be (I swear, I didn’t see pap seller. Morili, we’re in an estate. (Passes by not minding their stares)

    Officer Wos ➡ I i i i i think say dem no dey use phone for bi b bibi b b big brother naija show?

    Twyse ➡ This is a different one entirely.

    Officer Wos ➡ Ehn ehn, i no know o

    Twyse ➡ I’m off to the living room, we should suggest a game to play today.

    Officer Wos ➡ (Smiles) N na na na na na na na na na na true o. You get sense pass my oga sha (screams as someone tapped his head from behind)

    Brother Shaggi ➡ Officer Wos, e no go better for you. Iyen emi na, i did not have sense. You know I’ have been stalking you since yesterday (let out a short laugh more like a chuckle) E shock you abi. I no just wan talk. You go behind me to join Big brother, you think say

    Officer Wos ➡ (Interrupts Shaggi) O o o o o oo oo oga mi, no be like that o

    Brother Shaggi ➡ Oya like what? Like the thunder wey wan fire you abi? Oya tell me. Abi werey

    Charles ➡ (Their noise dusturbs him and he comes Out of the room) Whaaaaaaaat the fuuck! I say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat the f--k! This is Big brother men, why y’all making hell of noise right in front at my door?

    Twyse walks out leaving Brother Shaggi and Officer Wos behind.

    Officer Wos and Brother Shaggi ➡ (Stares at each other and Hiss)

    Charles ➡ What! Did you just hiss at me? Did

    Brother Shaggi ➡ Keep shut joor! What’s wrong with this one sef. (Claps hand) E ma gba mi ke, wetin musa no go see for gate. If not for the condition that bring me to big brother, I know my class

    Officer Wos ➡ (smiling) oga mi tell am

    Brother Shaggi ➡ (Touches Charles chest) i am

    Charles ➡ What! Did you just hit me? Right on my chest nigga

    Brother Shaggi ➡ (looks at officer Wos) Abi craze dey this one head ni, no o, i didn’t hit yo left on your chest (mimmicks Charles) i hit your intestine, arindin oshi (Sluggish fool) See, ask

    Charles ➡ I swear to God, yo fuckin’ pay for this. I didn’t bring my nine buh imma f--k yo up like a b---h nigga (Squeeze his face as though he wants to cry) I’m gonna hit you nigga. Biggie’s gonna evict us nigga, no apologies nigga (Pause to stare at Shaggi and officer Wos as they burst into laughter. He walks into his room)

    Officer Wos ➡ Oga mi never beat am, e don dey cry (Laughs again)

    Barrister Mike (Mc Lively) ➡ (Opens his door which was opposite Charles own and peeped) I have been hearing everything you people have been saying. And thank God you understand Yoruba, when Yoruba say “Ti e ti ta pao” that’s the situation both of you are. He is mad. The “Nine” he referred to means Gun (Officer Wos and brother Shaggi glances at each other) How do you guys want your funer…(Closes his door without completing his statement as Charles opened his door holding a table knife with him)

    Charles ➡ Ohhh my gawd! (Exclaims as they both ran off) Cowards! Swears, I’m gonna fry y’all asses!

    (Brother Shaggi and officer Wos runs straight to the living room scaring the housemates there. Officer Wos dived under the center table taking cover while Brother Shaggi hid behind the sofa)

    Mr. Macaroni ➡ (Sitting beside Maraji. Removes his glass) Nkan shey yin ni! (Is something wrong with you all) What’s all this?”

    Officer Wos ➡ Shhhh (Uses his index finger to signal to Mr. Macaroni to shut up)

    Mr. Macaroni ➡ Abi something is doing you? Who are all this? You just barged in the middle of a counseling (Interrupted as Bobrisky walked in)

    Bobrisky ➡ (Speaking on phone) My monthly discharge came late… Yes… I (Pauses as she noticed the stare)

    Officer Wos ➡ (Let out a short cry from under the table and eyes turned to him) Sorry o, so na na na na na every month dem dey discharge you. But but but but but but but but which kin sickness be that

    Mr. Macaroni ➡ Ki lo n so ki lo n so (What are they saying what are you saying) He’s saying his monthly discharge, that means his period, blood flow came late!

    Bobrisky ➡ Excuse me, “She” not “He”.

    Officer Wos and Brother Shaggi ➡ (They crept out of their hiding space) Menstruation!?

    Brother Shaggi ➡ Wait o! Am I in the dream land. True true you dey do menstruation? I think say na play play o. (Claps hand) Wonder shall never seize o

    Twyse ➡ “Cease” not “seize”

    Brother Shaggi ➡ (Turns to Twyse) Abi craze dey this one head ni, no, you want to correct me, am wrong abi, even albert henesen sef

    Maraji ➡ Chai!

    Mr. Macaroni ➡ My dear, can you see (stretches hands at Brother Shaggi) brutalizing grammer, murdering English, common Albert Einstein, He’s calling it esinsin or henessy or whatever

    Brother Shaggi ➡ E be like say (Was interrupted by Charles who walked in)

    Charles ➡ (Walked past officer Wos and brother Shaggi who stiffened their body and beads of sweat already forming on their forehead) Yo nigga, what’s up? (Greets Twyse)

    Twyse ➡ I’m cool bro (Receives the handshake)

    Brother Shaggi and Officer Wos sat quietly watching while Mr. Macaroni and others continued what they were doing.

    Charles ➡ Breakfast?

    Twyse ➡ No

    Charles ➡ Care to tag along?

    Twyse ➡ We can’t get past the estate, you know.

    Charles ➡ Sure, i know right.

    They both got up and left the room.

    Brother Shaggi ➡ Ehn ehn back to the

    Bobrisky hissed and walked out of the room before he could complete his statement.

    Mr. Macaroni ➡ (Hisses) My dear, let’s continue the discussion somewhere else. This place stinks already (Covers his nose) Can’t you, can’t you perceive it?

    Maraji ➡ Yes (They left the room)

    Brother Shaggi ➡ (Stares as them as the leave not knowing when Officer Wos left his side also) Ehn ehn (Claps) Well play. I will show you all in this house that I am the superior overseer. Officer Wos, see (Turns to face him but couldn’t find him) Officer Wos! (Shouts his name)

    Now readers, just figure it out in your mind, complete the story. Make sure you don’t laugh alone. 🚶🏾🚶🏾🚶🏾🚶🏾🚶🏾. I’m not feeling fine 🤢🤒🤕

    #1411887 Reply
    Daniel EdemDaniel Edem
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    bring it on

    #1411893 Reply
    Daniel EdemDaniel Edem
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    #1411960 Reply
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    Carry on

    #1412040 Reply
    Director MichaelsDirector Michaels
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    #1412170 Reply
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    No be small drama

    Fire 🔥 on.

    #1412171 Reply
    • "Posts & Comments"7595
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    Don’t tell me say u don finish am ooo… Abeg finish wetin u started

    #1412210 Reply
    Bedroom GangsterBedroom Gangster
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    Mad o
    i’m seated

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