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So I went to Lagos and had already boarded a bus on my way back to Ibadan. All the seats have been occupied except the back row, where only one person was seated, and the fold-up seats and the passenger seat next to the driver.
First, I don’t like those fold-up seats because you can’t rest your back well on it or lean to the one in front of you in case you want to sleep and then the passenger seat beside the driver, I don’t like that one because the way the person sitting next to you will squeeze you eh and the driver will keep telling you to adjust your legs, you will now have to seat like a statue all through the journey.
Not to talk of the way he will be hitting you when changing the gear, you will start wondering whether you paid half of the transport fare or he is giving you a free ride.
So I took my seat at the back and the earthquakes that finally rocked my waist all in the name of gallops each time the driver jumped into potholes made me shout that he should remember we entered a bus not a rocket. I don’t know if he was using us to practice what he sees when watching Formula One or he forgot that Nigerian roads are not Formula One tracks and are not Formula One driving friendly. Those smart people eh, no wonder they all rushed and took seats in front and avoided the back.
Then this woman came with her three kids, two boys and a girl. The boys were like 8 and 10 years old and the girl was about say 5 years old.
When she realized that only two seats were remaining, one at the back and the conductor seat. She started quarrelling with the bus because I don’t think any of us had her time.
That there is no way she can sit at the back, that someone in one of the other rows should go to the back while she takes the person’s place, meanwhile, this lady only paid for one seat.
All the people in the front seats just behaved as if she wasn’t even talking to them. When everybody gave her the silent treatment, she now proceeded to join us at the back, that was when the real trouble started. In fact, this woman had trouble written all over her. First, she asked the young lady sitting at the right end of the backseat to adjust so that she will seat at the end.
That there is no way she can sit in the middle and be carrying kids.
After initial hesitation the young lady adjusted. I was just seating at the other end and observing when the shocker abi knocker came, because it sounded and felt as if someone just gave me a knock, just short of being a knockout blow. Do you know what she said? She said that each one of the three of us at the back should carry her kids and that the lady sitting next to her should carry her daughter so that she will be close to her and that she wants a lady to be the one to carry her.
My mind wandered to the thought what if all of us at the back had been guys, what would she have said then. By now everybody was angry and tired of her drama, everyone was now asking her, “madam which one will you carry then?”
She defiantly answered that, her legs are paining her and that she would simply hold her bag, can you imagine? This woman is the real definition of a drama queen, Tonto Dikeh needs to go and upgrade her credentials with her. I know you will say but Tonto doesn’t have any business in a public bus, but this her senior twin sister appears to do.
I offered to carry the younger of the two boys, at least, that one I know I can do. The guy by my side decided to help out with the older boy. After much argument, she finally agreed to carry her daughter but now insisted on that I must be the one to carry her older son, see me see wahala o.
People shouted at her that madam (you know that thing with we Nigerians, even when reprimanding someone, we will still call them madam, oga, as if they are our boss. Even though we are just using it as a way to refer to them), this is not your private car, so you can’t be ditching out orders whichever way you like. That was what finally made her to calm down and we embarked on our journey.
What a bus.