April 18, 2018 at 6:51 pm #1205954
DIKE THE GRAMMARIAN
:Written by BRIGHT DANIEL
Mr Kelechi had a befitting bungalow with three bedrooms. Though it had the outfit of a local building but due to it’s fashionable roof and colour of paint, it appears modernized. Inside the house, in the sitting room, are pictures and calenders on the wall. One of the calenders also had an image of a newly ordained reverend father of a Catholic church. A small television could also be seen on a large room-divider and at the centre of the room is a table with three chiars surrounding it. Suddenly, Mr. Kelechi came out from his room trying to put on his red cap with a staff enclosed in his armpit. He had a dark complexion and looking young regardless the fact that he was in his late fifties. He also had an average height with a weak civilian typology. As he got ready to go out, Ngozi, his daughter barged in and breathing hastily to the extent she nearly pushed her father down.
“What’s chasing you?” the father asked unhappily.
“Papa, sir Dike..” Ngozi held her breath.
“You mean Dike the grammarian?”
“Yes, papa, but he’s not the one chasing me.
“Who then is cause of this panicky feeling in this hazy afternoon?”
“His grammar couldn’t let me stay, so i had to run inside the house” Ngozi replied and felt a bit silly and ashamed then the father disdained her and said, “So a common grammar made you barge into my house hastily..” before he finished his sentence, a knock came from the door and Dike entered. He had an old-school dressing withe a voluminous book in his hand. He also had some white beards on his jaw. Immediately Mr. Kelechi saw him, he smiled and hailed him, “Dike the grammarian!”
“Hold it!” Dike began by taken a step forward. “Before any satirical statement, your daughter, Ngozi, must face a cogent grilling for activating her locomotive organs when i wanted her to comprehend my words voraciously”
“Hey! Dike, take it easy. Mind the way you use your big big words. Obviously, that’s what chased my daughter away from you” Mr. Kelechi lamented but Dike provoked the more and kept his book on the centre table making Ngozi to step backward in fear knowing very well that the grammar gonna increase. Therefore Dike put his two hands in his pockets and said looking at Mr. Kelechi, “You juveniles indulge in the fatalism of not comprehending my vocabulary when I’m not yet a sanguine lexicographer. I wonder how opacity my words are that your daughter, even with her groovy and voluptuous body cannot adopt simple edification over fictitious and malicious narcissism”
“Hey! This man has finished me oh” Ngozi shouted with her two hands on her head.
Mr. Kelechi cleared his throat. “Dike, you really went to school and studied very hard” he said.
“I’m happy that you can substantiate fastidiously on that” Dike picked his book.
“Yes, meanwhile, before you came in, i was on my way to the palace for the deliberation of the tragedy that is befalling our village”
“Yes, that reminds me about those prosaic pip-squeak who quaff in order to cause holocaust and onslaught in this very arboretum called village with paragons as citizens. They have no scenario of…”
“Dike..” Mr. Kelechi interrupted him. “Don’t worry, when we get to the palace, you’ll finish up your grammar. As it stands now, we are already late” he glanced at the wall clock.
“Alright then, let’s activate our locomotive organs” Dike concluded and walked out followed by Mr. Kelechi.
At the palace, there was a long table at the center with elders sitting opposite one another. They had red caps on their heads. Only Dike looked odd. The palace was the only building in Umuye village which had a better look exept other houses owned by business men who were living in the city but come back occasionally. Igwe Izumba, the king, came in the midst of the elders unhappy and sat on his throne after the elders stood up and greeted him simultaneously except Dike……
TO BE CONTINUED….April 18, 2018 at 6:52 pm #1205955
: Written by BRIGHT DANIEL
Igwe Izumba neglected Dike’s disrespectful attitude of not greeting him because he took his charisma to be caused by high level of education and civilization. Nevertheless, he sat on his throne wearing an expensive traditional attire and looking at all the elders who also seated quietly to listen to him because the expression on his face wasn’t encouraging thereby giving them the notion that something must had gone wrong again in the village.
“My elders” the king, Igwe Izumba began. “Our people say a frog does not run in the day time for nothing, either it’s chasing after something or something is chasing after it. We have converged here at this very hour to look into what is happening in our village. The rate of crime is increasing day by day. In the past three days, some cat-burglars made away with two hundred thousand naira of chief Mbakwe who just came back from a business trip. Secondly, a complaint was brought to me recently by a woman who said that these same men broke into her house last night and made away not only with her money but also raped her sixteen year old daughter..”
Hearing that, Dike shocked and lowered his pair of eye glasses but never said a word. Other elders also looked astonished as all listened enthusiastically. Therefore the king concluded saying, “These are the reasons why i called you elders to suggest on what to do to this plight”
Mr. Kelechi cleared his throat and hit his staff on the floor. “Let the kite perch and let the eagle perch. Whichever that says the other should not perch should suffer broken wings. We must put a stop to this criminality and fish out the very person behind it. Enough is enough!” he shouted.
“Yes!” other elders chorus and silence took over as Mr. Kelechi continued.
“We should even go diabolical and spiritual on this matter because we can’t fold our hands and watch Umuye land being sabotaged by criminals”
Mr. Adaka, another elder stood up. He had almost Mr. Kelechi’s age and stature but was taller than him. “No, i disagree with you on this one, Kelechi” he objected. “We can’t go diabolical or spiritual on this matter because we all are Christians. Moreover, what if the people behind what is befalling us happens to be one of your relatives?”
“Hell go with Christianity!” Mr. Kelechi raised his voice. “Adaka, i’m beginning to suspect you because of what you’ve just said. You are the one sponsoring those criminals” he added.
“Chineke! Kelechi, are you accusing me of sponsoring those criminals?”
“May Amadioha strike your mouth there!” Mr Adaka pointed his staff at him but Mr. Kelechi did the same thing and said, “Look at the person who called himself a Christian. Adaka, you are a fool!”
“You are the bigger fool!” Mr Adaka retorted then the palace became noisy due to the exchange of words between the two elders. Therefore the King raised his artefact up and shouted, “Silent!” Then tranquility took over the palace. “I called you here to find a solution to the problem at hand but you are creating more problems!” the king added bitterly.
“We are sorry your highness” Mr Kelechi and Adaka apologized taking off their red caps as a sign of humility .
Dike adjustd forward from his seat. “Your highness may i say something?” he requested.
“Go on” the king replied while all the elders directed their eyes to Dike. Some began to smile instantly because they expected nothing from him but grammar.
Dike began, “Before the pandemonium caused by these incubuses cogently, i was thinking of a fastidious and piquant resolution for the onerous sadomasochism abrasively committed last night by the cat-burglars..” without finishing up, the king and other elders began to giggle at his grammar.
“Supu! Na suru’m oyibo. Dike the grammarian!” Mr Kelechi hailed him in igbo language.
Dike never smiled rather continued , “So as i was substantiating before this paragon interrupted me with an unfamiliar langua…”
“Wait” Mr. Kelechi interrupted him. “Dike, i hope that wasn’t an insult ” he added.
“Allow him to speak, Kelechi” Mr. Adaka interfered.
“Why should i allow him? How can i sit and watch Dike insult me by calling me a paragon?”
“How do you know if the word ‘Paragon’ is an insult?”
“Then let him tell us the meaning of a paragon” Mr. Kelechi looked at Dike for explanation likewise other elders.
Dike shook his head and said. “Illiteracy is a disease. Kelechi, i didn’t insult you rather complimented on your outstanding perfect personality. Paragon simply means a person who is perfect or perfect example of a particular good quality”
“Ohoo!” Mr. Adaka spread his hands looking at Kelechi. “I told you it wasn’t an insult. Back in those days when i was telling you to follow me to school, you were busy chasing lizards up and down.”
“Look at who is talking. Am i not the one that use to drag you to school but you preferred hunting bush animals” Mr. Kelechi retaliated.
“What’s wrong with both of you?!” The king provoked. “We have totally avoided what we came here for and started discussing irrelevant things” he looked at Dike and said, “You should minimize your grammar, Dike. Just look at what it has caused” he turned to the elders again saying “This is my opinion and must be adhered to; we the villagers must contribute to form a vigilante group who will make sure that the criminals are apprehended. We shall also inform the police to look into the matter to see if they will be of help. Hope i have made myself claer”
“Yes, your highness” the elders chorus.
“In fact igwe, that was a perfect idea” Mr. Kelechi added.
Dike touched his beards wisely and said, “If i must say, your highness, to abstain from more hazardous nooky, plight and satire, police shouldn’t be rearm to avoid bloodshed”
“Dike, i don’t understand you” the king said surprisingly then Dike continued.
“Without qualm i believe that the police will unnecessarily expand our perturbation rapaciously and nobody will have the perspicacity of a stupefying solipsism which they believe for a rapturous satisfaction regardless how sophisticated the government has actuated the nature of their occupation. This will definitely catapult the paragons of this village to a great stupendous and perfunctory perdition.”
Hearing the confusing grammar, the king stood up. “This meeting is over” he said and walked out while the elders began to giggle.
“Dike, have you seen how you endded our meeting and pursued the king with your grammar?” Mr Adaka said laughing aloud. Even Mr. Kelechi couldn’t help it, so he hailed Dike saying, “Dike the grammarian! The only one whose grammar can send one to his early grave. I hail you” he took off his cap for him and put it back laughing hilariously..April 18, 2018 at 6:52 pm #1205956
Episode 3 & 4
:Written by BRIGHT DANIEL
The meeting ended hilariously by Dike’s grammar. None of the elders including the king understood his grammar not knowing that he wasn’t in support of involving the police on the issue of criminality that went on in the land because of a selfish reason which shows that Dike had a skeleton in his cupboard.
Nevertheless, in the evening, Ngozi, Mr. Kelechi’s daughter could be seen hurrying on a lonely road. She wore a brown local gown and a weaved hairstyle. She was totally having the outfit of a ‘village girl’. She wasn’t too beautiful and also had a slim body typology, but her butt was something that men couldn’t resist due to it’s attractive, large and curved shape. As she hurried on the road, she saw Chioma, Dike’s daughter coming from the opposite side. They had been close friends from childhood. Chioma’s body complexion was totally fair looking beautiful but had a flat butt unlike Ngoz.
“I am heading to your house” Ngozi told Chioma.
“Me too. It seems like we have the same thing in mind” Chioma replied and both giggled.
“I don’t know oh” Ngozi spread her hand sincerely. “I was coming to tell you how your father nearly killed me with his grammar if i hadn’t run into our house” she added.
“If you are complaining of that, what about me who live under the same roof with him? I must have been killed by his grammar and resurrected again” both laughed.
“I wonder how you live with him”
“He’s my father, i have no choice” Chioma looks around, dragged Ngozi to a corner and lowered her voice. “Guess what?”
“What?” Ngozi returned the question swiftly.
“Ubiji just proposed to me”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes, he said he wants to marry me but my problem now is my father. He’s a difficult human being, i don’t think he’ll allow me to marry him”
“That’s what i was about to say. Your father will definitely chase Ubiji away with his grammar” Ngozi laughed aloud while Chioma frowned.
“It’s not funny oh”
“I know” Ngozi held her breath. “Do you know why your father won’t aprove the marriage? It’s because Ubiji is only a farmer” she added.
“But that’s what he read in school na” Chioma defended. “He studied Agriculture in Michael Okpara University of Agriculture. He’s even a graduate just that he doesn’t have enough fund to establish commercially. Moreover and most importantly, i love him”
“Hmm.. my sister, he should come and see your father first”
“He said that he’ll be coming with his people in the next three days”
“I’m happy for you dear” Ngozi concluded and lowered her voice too. “Have you heard that armed robbers invaded someone’s house last night and raped a sixteen year old girl after they must have collected the mother’s money?”
“Yes oh, poor girl. I wonder what this village is turning into” Chioma complained.
“That’s probably what the elders went to discuss in the palace today. My dear i will be coming to your house in the next three days for the marriage introduction” Ngozi walked out smiling.
“Busy-body! No problem i will be expecting you” Chioma smiled too.
At night, the whole village was quiet and calmed except the distance chattering of children who were planning under the bright moonlight. The crickets and other notorious animals took up a noise making in nearby bushes.
In a single room located at a lonely place, there were four boys who were smoking seriously to the extent the room saturated with smoke of cigarette. The room had only a bed and few bags. Suddenly, a knock came from the door and one of them stood up to open it. Surprisingly after opening it, Dike entered angrily. From all indications, they were the group of boys who were causing trouble in the village with Dike, but all became confuse to see him angry.
“You vagabonds!” Dike began. “You decided to deviate from the stumpy instruction i gave to you. There is a big clunker which you have cogently made and will definitely metamorphos to a hazardous holocaust in this village”
Obinna, one of the boys who was also their leader blew out a smoke of cigarette and said, “Oga, you just dey speak big big grammar for us. Why can’t you tell us the cause of this ranting in a simple language we can understand”
“Nonsense! I sent you to steal some money from a woman but you ended up raping her sixteen year old daughter. I never knew that you have no control of your d---s for a perfidous sadomasochism which i doubt to be coitus interruptus”
“Oga, that girl’s body was so tempting. We couldn’t resist it”
“Yes, my boys and i did it” Obinna replied pointing at other three boys.
“Jesus Christ!” Dike exclaimed. “You mean as voluminous as your d---s are, all penetrated into the girl’s…” he paused and shook his head sadly. “Just pray nothing happens to that girl” he concluded.
“We are sorry sir” the boys apologized.
“You better be”
“What is our next mission?” Obinna asked.
“I’ll get back to you tomorrow” Dike turned to open the door but suddenly looked at the boys again. “That reminds me; the elders are trying to formulate a vigilante group and also inform the police about what is happening”
Hearing that, the boys looked at one another….
The four boys kept starring at one another over what Dike said. Already, Chidi, the youngest boy became afraid. He doesn’t want to hear anything about police or armed group of people called a vigilante group. Upon all the surprise faces, Dike wasn’t worried. Therefore Obinna asked him, “What do you suggest we do?”
“Nothing, just be vigilant too” he replied, clutched the doorknob and went out.
“Listen you all” Chidi stood up. He wore a sagged three-quarter jean trouser with black singlet which exposed his muscles. “I don’t know what your next plans are but i think is time we stop this. I don’t know why sir Dike would tell us to be vigilant too knowing very well that the police will be involved”
“Boy relax! Stop acting like a coward. Who are the vigilante group and police men? They can’t do anything. Moreover we have guns” Obinna encouraged him.
“I have a strange feeling about this” Chidi added.
“Guy, you too dey fear” Kachi, one of them said.
“Don’t mind him. If it is to rape a girl, he won’t have strange feelings about it” Ebuka, another guy concluded.
The next day at Ubiji’s compound, the compound has an orange tree infront of it giving the arena a shade. Ubiji came out from his local house left for him by his late parents. He hung a hoe on his shoulder and a machet in his hand. He wore only a dirty trouser without a shirt thereby making his hairy chest visible. He was tall, slim and a bit dark in complexion. As he tried to walk out, Chioma arrived in a long milky gown. She stood before him smiling.
“Good morning, Ubim”
“Morning, Chim. You look more beautiful toady” Ubiji smiled looking to her eyes.
“Thank you, i can see that you are on your way to the farm” Chioma said.
“Exactly, i want to start cultivation before the downfall of the rain” he replied then Chioma crossed her hands around his neck and looked at him romantically.
“You work too much my love, why don’t you take a day break?” She siad then Ubiji smiled.
“I was brought up to be hardworking by my late parents. Moreover, this is what i studied in school. I believe that one day God will favour me with enough capital to start up a commercial farming system so that i will be able to take care of you and treat u like a queen you are”
“Thank you, i guess your name is affecting your life”
“What do you mean?” Ubiji wanted to know.
“Your name is Ubiji, right?” Chioma asked smiling and staring at him.
“Yes” Ubiji replied.
“Which means farm-yam. So you love farming!” Chioma explained and both began to laugh aloud.
“You can say that again” Ubiji concluded while Chioma suddenly remained quiet. She disengaged her hand from his neck and moved away. “What’s it?” Ubiji asked.
“Have you told yout uncle about you coming to see my father?”
“Yes, i will come with him next tomorrow ”
“Okay, have a nice day at work” Chioma hugged him happily and began to leave.
“And you too. Take care of yourself” Ubiji replied.
“I will” Chioma turned. “One more thing; make sure you kill bush animal for me” she added then Ubiji smiled.
“I never told you I’m a hunter. My name is Ubiji not Ofia-anu”
“Bye” both smiled away to different directions.
TO BE CONTINUEDApril 18, 2018 at 7:05 pm #1205963RyderParticipant
April 18, 2018 at 7:34 pm #1205970Romeo MacjordanParticipant
kkApril 18, 2018 at 7:36 pm #1205971SoftieParticipant
sounds interestingApril 18, 2018 at 7:40 pm #1205974April 18, 2018 at 7:42 pm #1205976